have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
