Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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