it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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