It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
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