I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
