my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
