considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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