I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
