I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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