so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Randomize
