woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
