You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
