Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Mom said you looked used
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
