Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
