Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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