were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
