Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
why is half of my head shaved?
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