Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
