We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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