Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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