He disabled his match.com account in front of me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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