Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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