Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize