I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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