i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
