It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Two words: blizzard sex
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
