I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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