i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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