My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
