Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
FUCK WHALES
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
