Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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