dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
