you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
