1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
