Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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