I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Floor bacon is actually really good
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
