The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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