Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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