Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
