I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
