apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
