last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
