very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Randomize
