I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize