addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
