I want to make a zoo with you.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize