I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
