I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Randomize
