just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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