you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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