I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
