whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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