Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize