I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
