I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Randomize
